


My Immortal

by EAS1928



Category: Political RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-15 13:15:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9236702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EAS1928/pseuds/EAS1928
Summary: Bill takes the difficult step to figure out why he keeps hurting her





	

**Author's Note:**

> Another one shot Bill POV, that popped into my head before I fail asleep last night. Please comment and let me know what you all think.

She’s gone, well I don’t mean gone permanently-at least I hope not- but she’s gone to visit some friends in Illinois. I know it’s just to get away from me and yet another of my failures and disappointments. I sigh and run my hand over my face, I must do better. I can’t keep telling her that I will and then do nothing. I can’t keep hurting her and expect for her to remain. I’d always been reluctant to seek outside help. My pride wouldn’t let it be, I’m smart, strong and I can handle this on my own, but I can’t and I’m on the verge of losing everything.

I didn’t tell Hillary that I was going to seek help, I didn’t want to get her hopes up that I could turn this all around. I want to do marriage counseling with her, but first I want to explore my own demons, understand why I continue on these destructive paths, why I keep risking losing the woman I love more than I love life. I secretly sought out advice on who I should call and who I could be assured would be discreet. Time and again I was referred to Dr. Richard Morrison. My friends warned me that at times I’d want to punch him, but I’d come out of the experience better.

I still myself for this appointment. I’ve researched Dr. Morrison extensively. He’s an expert in male infidelity as he went through a period of similar destructive behavior. He lost it all, his wife, children and even a lucrative career. His story felt familiar and uncomfortable. I hadn’t lost my wife and child, yet, but I was on the verge of losing my presidency and in a disgraceful manner. In a manner that could have been avoided had I been stronger. I look at my watch, it’s time. I exhale an unsteady breath as my heart thumps in my chest. Dr. Morrison has been secretly brought to the residence. I do not want this to get out.

When I arrive to my study Dr. Morrison is seated with his back to me. I make my presence known, but he does not stand to greet me. I walk around and face this man, who is probably no taller than five eight, with a thin sinewy frame and yet I am intimidated. I thrust my hand his way, but he does not take it. I frown, not used to such disrespect.

“Dr. Morrison thank you for..” he holds a hand up, cutting off my thought.

“Let’s not and say we did. I’m not here for pleasantries I’m here to help you figure out why you’re a cheating bastard and if there is anything you can do to turn this around” already I want to punch him in the face.  I swallow with difficulty and sit in the chair opposite his. I’m barely seated before he speaks again. “Why do you keep cheating on your wife and don’t tell me you don’t know” my mouth opens and closes over and over.

“I really don’t know Dr. Morrison. That’s why I have you here to help me figure that out” he chuckles and shakes his head.

“Bill, you can’t bull shit a bull shitter. You know why you cheat, you just don’t want to deal with it. I’m not here to help you figure it out. I’m here to help you admit it and come out the other side of it. No matter how much psychological mumbo jumbo you’ve heard, no human is not self-aware. Some humans are just cowards and don’t want to deal with their shit so they pretend it’s not there. That is the category where you fall” my jaw clicks in anger. I hate this man already. We sit in silence, staring at each other until he opens his mouth again. “Do you love Hillary?”

“Yes of course” his brow lifts.

“Of course?” I squirm.

“Yes of course I love her. I love her more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life” he folds his hands in his lap and just stares at me. I notice he’s not taking notes, that’s both comforting and concerning.

“Do you think she loves you?”

“Yes she loves me”

“What makes you so sure? Especially after all you’ve done to her” I feel my temper rising and I try to remain calm.

“I know Hillary if she didn’t love me she’d have left long ago. It’s that love that keeps her with me” my stomach is in knots.

“Has she ever cheated on you?” why are we talking about Hillary and not me?

“No” his brow quirks.

“What makes you so sure?”

“Because she’d never betray me, she’s loyal” I let the last word hang in the air and I feel terribly convicted in this moment and I have clarity.

“What was your relationship like with your mother?” he changes gears. I look away thinking. “Don’t PC me, tell me the low down dirty” he reads my mind.

“It was difficult. The best years of my life were spent with my grandparents. I could be a child, I didn’t have to feel like I needed to protect them or be the man of the house when I barely had any hair on my chest. I didn’t want to go live with her when she came back and I’ve felt guilty for that. It was selfish of me when I knew she needed me” the words just spill out. I’d never said those things to anyone, not even Hillary. Her relationship with my mother was tumultuous enough.

“Go on”

“I think she sensed my reluctance to come home with her, so she’d always tell me about how much she needed me. How I was her protector, that she knew I’d always take care of her and never let her down, never let anyone take me from her” I scratch my head more in nervousness and an uncomfortable itch. I never wanted to dredge any of this up.

“What was your mother’s relationship with Hillary?” he changes gears again.

“Strained… she never felt Hillary was good enough” I say confused.

“You seem bewildered” I laugh tightly.

“Hillary was clearly better than I. I never understood how she felt Hillary wasn’t good enough”

“Who was good enough in your mother’s opinion?” I close my eyes, transported decades back into the past. He allows me my time to reflect.

“Women like her, women that wouldn’t take me from her” I say softly with my eyes still closed. “I just always wanted to make her happy.  I was all she had and I wanted to abandon her. And then I disappointed her by marrying Hillary. I have tried to make it up to her” my eyes open and the tears stream down her face.

“Would you say the women you have affairs with are like your mother?” his tone is flat, he’s unaffected by my emotions. I bite my lower lip.

“They’re what she considered beautiful and worthy of me” he shakes his head.

“That’s not what I asked you” he doesn’t repeat the question knowing I understood.

“Yes they’re like her” I look at him in the eyes and know he’s not done stripping away my armor.

“How so?” I look away wishing I wasn’t here, but I know I need to be here.

“Fast talking, hard partying, fun girls”

“Nothing like your wife?”

“Nothing like my wife, everything like my mother” I look back at him but my eyes are clouded with unshed tears and he’s just a blurry figure in my line of vision.

“Do you think that by hurting Hillary, punishing Hillary with women that your mother would have approved of that you’re making up for not wanting to come home?” the tears now roll freely down my cheeks.

“Yes, I’ve spent my entire life trying to assure her that I wanted to be with her. That I was sorry for my reluctance to come live with her. I know she was disappointed that I married Hillary” my voice shakes as it all spills forth.

“Why is it ok for you to hurt Hillary?”

“Because she’s strong unlike my mother. And I don’t deserve her anyway. I’m not strong enough to let her go so maybe I can push her away and be what I was intended to be which is nothing, a failure. Like the men my mother dated and married, like my own philandering alcoholic father” the words are out of my mouth before I have time to think and I am startled. He looks at his watch.

“Bill our time is up for today. If you’d like to continue this I think we should have two sessions a week. There is a lot to unpack here” I nod in agreement. I am emotionally drained, but there is lucidity and I know if I continue I can become the man that Hillary deserves and save my marriage. I agree to further sessions and Dr. Morrison is led out by an agent. Once he leaves I move to my desk. I stare at a picture of my mother. I love her, will always love and miss her.

“Mom I never meant to hurt you, but I have to be a better man. I love Hillary nothing will change that and I have to fix myself and be the man she deserves, not the one you wanted me to be” I say softly.  I look at a picture of Hillary, my love.

“I’m so sorry baby but I will fix this and will never hurt you again” I bring the picture to my chest and hug it tightly.


End file.
